We all have that friend, right? The one who’s maybe a bit more adventurous than you? The one that, when she talks about something that’s still new to you, you listen really closely and think “oh, is that how it works?” Maybe she’s also the one that asks you all the questions, most often about sex. Questions like, “So, did he use his tongue? Is he a thruster or a motion-of-the-ocean kinda guy?” or “Are you experiencing vaginal dryness, too?” (Shout out to all the meno-gals!).

Even if her questions or anecdotes make you uncomfortable, this friend is providing a valuable service. Especially because you’re a little bit uncomfortable. It’s not a new psychological insight that change and the associated discomfort are actually necessary for growth, at any age. Whether you’re 13 or 53, getting new information and hearing about the experiences of others is simply the most valuable thing for living your life to the fullest. Information is power, sunlight is the best bleach, sharing is caring, etc. etc.

As a GenX woman, I feel Iike I’ve had the best of both worlds in getting information about my body, sex and psychology. Growing up in the shadow of the sexual revolution, with literature such as Betty Friedan’s The Feminine Mystique and, for anyone spending their teenage years in Germany, the teen magazine Bravo with the Dr. Sommer Team that answered reader questions about sexuality, all that was already galaxies away from how our mothers’ generation had to navigate all things “woman”. I distinctly remember when I was 13 reading a write-in question from another 13-year-old asking about suggestions for new positions when having sex with her boyfriend. I had so many questions about that question: First of all, there are different positions (apart the one in the biology textbook)? Are these like ballet positions? You’re 13 and you’re already out of ideas?

Now, as I’m approaching 50, we have the whole world (wide web) at our fingertips. There’s nothing, simply nothing you can’t find by typing a query into a search engine or nudging a social media algorithm towards. (Except for maybe how to avoid cookies from going flat when baking them outside the US. I still haven’t found any good answers for that). The crucial thing missing from the internet and social media is that sense of intimacy and trust.

So, I am lucky to still have that friend. As the subjects, worries, and questions changed throughout the years, I found myself being grateful that what I considered to be her sometimes annoying nosiness when we were young, turned out to be an inspiration for thinking about things differently, opening my mind. It even gave me the courage to ask other friends some uncomfortable questions. And not rarely do I see relief in the eyes of those other friends, how happy they are that they are not alone in thinking or experiencing a certain thing, or when we realize that our experiences are different, and that this is just how wonderfully diverse the world is.  

Ladies, seek out other women. Talk to them, ask and tell each other the really weird things. And then enjoy the feeling of “I’m not crazy after all”, the sense of community, and the feeling of power that comes from realizing that we can manage whatever is coming, because we are not alone.