Asking for a friend
#2
Who's asking questions?
The book disappeared into their room, and I assume it passed back and forth between the sisters. At some point some neighborhood kids also got involved. But, I got my wish, the questions never came. The book WAS pretty detailed, so maybe that was why. A few years later I added another book to their library, specifically about a girl’s body going through puberty. Again, no questions were asked. Another likely reason was that they eventually got access to the internet. And as much as I had wished they wouldn’t ask me questions that were too detailed, I wished even more that they’d find the good side of the internet, where girls support each other, rather than the corner with bullying, eating-disorder promotion and porn-watching 8-year-old boys. There were a couple of times when I felt very brave and tried to bring up a particular topic. The response was, without fail: “I already know all that! What do you think social media is for???” To my relief, now that they are both young adults, judging by how they talk and act, they did find the “good” corners of the internet.
Where this leaves me, though, is that I’ve been wondering exactly what it was that made me so apprehensive about them asking me about all the topics. It’s still a work-in-progress, but so far, I’ve realized that although I was ready with science-based answers, my fears revolved around having to talk about the emotional side of things. I did not want to talk about what having sex for the first time felt like, where the line is between “taking one for the team” and being pressured into sex is, or that (and why) I hid my first period from my mother for a looooong time.
Now that the craziness of child-rearing is largely over, I can turn the focus on myself a little, and start thinking about answers to those kinds of questions. New ones appear almost daily, but that’s ok, too. Increasingly, I’m noticing, the more I ask myself these questions, the more at ease I am when a subject I had previously avoided now comes up. And the best part about it is that sometimes, one of the girls will say something that shows that they have thought about these things themselves, and maybe without knowing it, are giving me advice.
by Carola Berg
I’ve asked around: How do you talk to your daughters about sex, puberty, menopause? The answers are sort of like you’d expect: we talk, but often only scrape the surfaces. The most common response, though, was: well, not the way our moms talked to us about these things! Which means: barely.
When it was time, I researched and bought my daughters a book that seemed to give a complete description of bodies, sex and even aging. I chose it specifically for all the reasons “conservatives” hated it: it mentions abortion, sexual preferences and LGBTQ+ issues. When I handed it over to my then 7-year-old, the words out of my mouth were: Let me know if you have any questions. Meanwhile, my brain was screaming: please don’t! And I’m not sure what my face said, but I’m afraid to this day that it concurred with my brain.
#1
I suggest we form a calming circle
I distinctly remember when I was 13 reading a write-in question from another 13-year-old asking about suggestions for new positions when having sex with her boyfriend. I had so many questions about that question: First of all, there are different positions (apart the one in the biology textbook)? Are these like ballet positions? You’re 13 and you’re already out of ideas?
Now, as I’m approaching 50, we have the whole world (wide web) at our fingertips. There’s nothing, simply nothing you can’t find by typing a query into a search engine or nudging a social media algorithm towards. (Except for maybe how to avoid cookies from going flat when baking them outside the US. I still haven’t found any good answers for that). The crucial thing missing from the internet and social media is that sense of intimacy and trust.
So, I am lucky to still have that friend. As the subjects, worries, and questions changed throughout the years, I found myself being grateful that what I considered to be her sometimes annoying nosiness when we were young, turned out to be an inspiration for thinking about things differently, opening my mind. It even gave me the courage to ask
“These meetings have inspired me not to see the menopause as something negative, but to realize that this change also has its strong sides.” Brene - 53 years old
by Carola Berg
We all have that friend, right? The one who’s maybe a bit more adventurous than you? The one that, when she talks about something that’s still new to you, you listen really closely and think “oh, is that how it works?” Maybe she’s also the one that asks you all the questions, most often about sex. Questions like, “So, did he use his tongue? Is he a thruster or a motion-of-the-ocean kinda guy?” or “Are you experiencing vaginal dryness, too?”
(Shout out to all the meno-gals!).
Even if her questions or anecdotes make you uncomfortable, this friend is providing a valuable service. Especially because you’re a little bit uncomfortable. It’s not a new psychological insight that change and the associated discomfort are actually necessary for growth, at any age. Whether you’re 13 or 53, getting new information and hearing about the experiences of others is simply the most valuable thing for living your life to the fullest. Information is power, sunlight is the best bleach, sharing is caring, etc. etc.
As a GenX woman, I feel Iike I’ve had the best of both worlds in getting information about my body, sex and psychology. Growing up in the shadow of the sexual revolution, with literature such as Betty Friedan’s The Feminine Mystique and, for anyone spending their teenage years in Germany, the teen magazine Bravo with the Dr. Sommer Team that answered reader questions about sexuality, all that was already galaxies away from how our mothers’ generation had to navigate all things “woman”.